VDay, 9:17pm, Pajamas

I wasn't going to do this. But here I am, 9:17 on Valentine's Day night, in my pajamas, sitting in the dark, torn between crying or congratulating myself. Crying because I'm letting this stupid day get to me, or rejoicing because I took the step last night of giving up hope and know I must move on. Crying because some dumb movie just told me not to give up hope but applauding myself for not staying and wallowing with other single girls in a bottle of wine because frankly I'm just tired and I'm tired of rehashing who likes who and who's the latest crush and how to get them and really who gives a fuck? I'm including myself in that statement. I'm over myself. Over the obsessing and the infatuation and the waiting and hoping and beating myself up. I'm sick and tired of it. It's not going to happen and I need to accept that. Last night, I came to the conclusion that I can still have adventure in my life, I just need to stop thinking that love is going to come along with it. I can be that cool old single lady with long silver hair who owns little and owes nothing and gives everything and sees everywhere. I'd need a dog. And lots of bracelets and long skirts and a beat up pickup truck.

___
PS - I just noticed people are actually reading my blog! I had no idea! You're even leaving comments. I apologize for neglecting you, dear readers, and will try to pay more attention to you from now on. :)

Dreams

I should never watch "Living With the Mek" and Discovery Channel's "Sexual Attraction" just before bed . . .

Cuddle

To dream that you are cuddling with someone, indicates your need for physical and/or emotional contact. Do not overlook the obvious meaning of this dream which suggests your heart's desire for that particular person. Also consider the symbolism of that person you are cuddling with and determine how you need to acknowledge, accept, and unify those qualities in yourself. (I like this one, btw, especially since I was cuddling with A and he wanted me there.)

Couch

To see or dream that you are on a couch, represents rest, relaxation, laziness or boredom. It may also mean you need to clear you mind and thoughts. Consider also who is on the couch with you as the dream may also have sexual connotations.

Hill

To dream that you are climbing a hill, signifies your struggles in achieving a goal. To dream that you are standing on top of a hill, signifies that you have succeeded in your endeavors or that you have now have the resources to complete a task at hand.

Intruder

To see an intruder in your dream, represents your feelings of guilt. Consider also what unfamiliar feelings or thoughts may be breaking into your peace of mind. Alternatively, an intruder symbolizes self-indulgent behavior or unwanted sexual attention.

I miss sex

You wanna know the worst part of having been completely and utterly single for the last 2 years? Not the simple fact that I'm single, no, I can deal with that. I have a lot of fun on my own and don't have to be with someone to be happy.

The worst part is knowing how long I've gone without sex. And how long I will continue to go without it since I've promised myself I won't have it again until I'm married. Considering that I haven't even been on an effing date in 2 years, it's going to be a looooong time before I get to experience that again.

I like sex. Really like it. I guess most people do, but remembering how much I enjoyed it seems to be magnified now that I know what I'm missing. Would I be better off if I didn't know? No, definitely not. But, it is a particularly painful form of torture to know exactly what I am missing and want it so desperately again.

It's just not fair!!

Girl with Silver Coat and Clementines

Girl with Silver Coat and Clementines

You look tired.
Is your bag heavy?
Your heels click down the sidewalk – bag in one hand, a box of clementines in the other;
Purse slung over your shoulder and worn out day old hair pulled back.
A smile appears on your face as you walk past my window.
A row of windows, with people reading inside, drinking coffee.
They might be watching.
They might be thinking.
They might even wonder.
Your smile says it’s ok, you don’t need help.
You’ve got it on your own.
A strong and independent woman
Walking proudly in nice heels
You look confident, you look nice.
You can carry groceries for one.
Groceries for you, carried by you.
Silver jacket, black shoes, smile, you’re fine.
But isn’t your bag heavy?


My first lame attempt at poetry in nearly 20 years.

Rebuilding Burned Bridges

Last night I asked an old friend to come back into my life. Things didn't end well with this friend over three years ago, but I'd like to believe we have matured a bit and are capable of at least being aware of each other's lives, if not interacting every day. I've missed this person terribly. I think about them several times a week at least, just wondering how they are and if there's any hope of salvaging what was once a true friendship and even partnership.

Is that possible? At the ripe-old age of 29, is it conceivable that two people who haven't known each other since before entering the adult world can have a second chance? Can mend the wounds from harsh words and painful actions? Can find the joy and lightness and easiness that was once shared between two friends?

I've done all I know how to do. I wait with bated breath for the reply, but still have peace of mind that I've done my part. I'll let you know how it goes.

Waggly Fingers

I think I'm getting old. My knees and feet and ankles are killing me after a full day of work yesterday. I hear a pop every time I go down a stair and just ache when I go back up. They haven't been the same since a really long, fast hike about 7 years ago. Wah, I know. Someday I'll go see a doctor about this.

Speaking of Doctors, I found out, just in time, almost right as I walked in the door to work. Thank heavens for cell phones with internet! And for Twitter! What did I do before it?

And here he is, number Eleven:

Matt Smith. 26. Kinda funny looking (I know that's mean, but you were thinking it too). Weird hair. Young. Hmm, not sure how I feel about this. . . Those were my initial thoughts and I just wasn't pleased with the selection at all. But then I got home (after 8.5 hours on my feet selling sleeping bags and stoves) and watched the BBC's Doctor Who Confidential special (I have my ways) and found myself grinning ear to ear during his brief interview. He's crazy! Long, run-on sentences with abrupt pauses, wild hand gestures, waves his fingers in the air, completely bonkers! He's a bit younger than we were expecting, but I think I'm going to like him. And, even though I said he was a little funny looking, that could be a good quality for a character who is actually an alien. Besides, he does clean up well:

Mmm, glasses. Yeah, he'll do ;-) Remind you of anyone?

I have not seen or read Twilight, but like many people, I thought this Matt guy looks a bit like some of the characters I've seen pictures of. And I immediately began to speculate that they're trying to reach a similar audience that Twilight has been so wildly popular with. I mean, he's got that look AND he's young, so the teenage girls are going to swoon, while us 20-somethings will appreciate his, um, charm. Now, I'm not sure how the 50-year old males are included in this picture, but I'm sure it works out some way.

Ok, that should be the last of my Doctor Who posts for a while. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about anyway :)

In other news, I ran out of cereal 2 days ago and have had to eat toast for breakfast! The horror!

Learning to Count to Eleven

Well, I posted it on the other blog and was told it was: "interesting" by my parents, "depressing" by one friend, and "wonderful to read" by another friend. I don't know what kind of reaction I was hoping for, probably nothing really, but whatever. It's out there and now it's 2009!

And speaking of new things, the Eleventh Doctor for Doctor Who will be announced today! In the UK. At about the time I have to leave for work. In the US. My plan is to hit refresh on several sites I've pulled up for the occasion as I'm walking out the door in hopes that I won't have to spend the next 8 hours in agonizing curiosity. I don't consider myself a hardcore obsessive fan, but I definitely enjoy it and try to keep up with the big news and well, this is BIG! (Maybe I'll get a British customer and we can talk Doctor Who. Unlikely.)

Ugh. I can't believe this weird holiday schedule bliss is almost over. Hardly any work the last few weeks and now I have to work on a Saturday?! Not fair.

And now, since I've enjoyed Ten so much and will miss him terribly . . .