VDay, 9:17pm, Pajamas

I wasn't going to do this. But here I am, 9:17 on Valentine's Day night, in my pajamas, sitting in the dark, torn between crying or congratulating myself. Crying because I'm letting this stupid day get to me, or rejoicing because I took the step last night of giving up hope and know I must move on. Crying because some dumb movie just told me not to give up hope but applauding myself for not staying and wallowing with other single girls in a bottle of wine because frankly I'm just tired and I'm tired of rehashing who likes who and who's the latest crush and how to get them and really who gives a fuck? I'm including myself in that statement. I'm over myself. Over the obsessing and the infatuation and the waiting and hoping and beating myself up. I'm sick and tired of it. It's not going to happen and I need to accept that. Last night, I came to the conclusion that I can still have adventure in my life, I just need to stop thinking that love is going to come along with it. I can be that cool old single lady with long silver hair who owns little and owes nothing and gives everything and sees everywhere. I'd need a dog. And lots of bracelets and long skirts and a beat up pickup truck.

___
PS - I just noticed people are actually reading my blog! I had no idea! You're even leaving comments. I apologize for neglecting you, dear readers, and will try to pay more attention to you from now on. :)

Dreams

I should never watch "Living With the Mek" and Discovery Channel's "Sexual Attraction" just before bed . . .

Cuddle

To dream that you are cuddling with someone, indicates your need for physical and/or emotional contact. Do not overlook the obvious meaning of this dream which suggests your heart's desire for that particular person. Also consider the symbolism of that person you are cuddling with and determine how you need to acknowledge, accept, and unify those qualities in yourself. (I like this one, btw, especially since I was cuddling with A and he wanted me there.)

Couch

To see or dream that you are on a couch, represents rest, relaxation, laziness or boredom. It may also mean you need to clear you mind and thoughts. Consider also who is on the couch with you as the dream may also have sexual connotations.

Hill

To dream that you are climbing a hill, signifies your struggles in achieving a goal. To dream that you are standing on top of a hill, signifies that you have succeeded in your endeavors or that you have now have the resources to complete a task at hand.

Intruder

To see an intruder in your dream, represents your feelings of guilt. Consider also what unfamiliar feelings or thoughts may be breaking into your peace of mind. Alternatively, an intruder symbolizes self-indulgent behavior or unwanted sexual attention.

I miss sex

You wanna know the worst part of having been completely and utterly single for the last 2 years? Not the simple fact that I'm single, no, I can deal with that. I have a lot of fun on my own and don't have to be with someone to be happy.

The worst part is knowing how long I've gone without sex. And how long I will continue to go without it since I've promised myself I won't have it again until I'm married. Considering that I haven't even been on an effing date in 2 years, it's going to be a looooong time before I get to experience that again.

I like sex. Really like it. I guess most people do, but remembering how much I enjoyed it seems to be magnified now that I know what I'm missing. Would I be better off if I didn't know? No, definitely not. But, it is a particularly painful form of torture to know exactly what I am missing and want it so desperately again.

It's just not fair!!