I have been so bored today. I hate to say that. My mom always told us it was "an insult to our intelligence" to say we were bored when we were kids, but I was today and I know I will be tomorrow as well.
Today I was by myself and had 4 appointments scheduled throughout the day. 2 came and the other 2 canceled. In between, there was not much to do, so I ended up going to get coffee, the post office, driving around the area and checking out a map of hiking trails nearby. I even watched How I Met Your Mother online. Bored. To. Tears. I finally just left around 3 and then it took over an hour to get home, navigating downed trees and broken traffic lights.
Tomorrow is going to be more of the same, except I'll be at a different office where there are a lot of other people around. Only thing is, my one appointment for the day is at 4:00. What the hell am I going to do all day? This office doesn't have GChat or Facebook access and there's only so many times I can check my email. Sure, I'll have some time to update a few files, but that might take an hour and then I'm back to being bored again. This is in sharp contrast to some weeks where I'm slammed with 5 or 6 appointments in one day with barely a chance to breathe and working up a sweat.
Normally I wouldn't mind a slow day or two, but this has happened the last 4 days that I've worked there. I'm part time, so it's not like I have other responsibilities or projects to work on and it drives me batty. I'm dreading tomorrow, sitting there, twiddling my thumbs, trying to look busy.
Good news though? I had an interview on Tuesday! For a real, honest to goodness full time job. With responsiblities and even a great "Assistant Director" title! I feel kinda low, job hunting when I've only been at my current work for 7 months, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, and getting by financially with my current work situation just isn't going to cut it for very long. It's hard not to mention it to some of the coworkers I'm a little closer to, but it's better to keep it quiet.
At any rate, I felt very good about the interview, confident, poised, thoughtful answers, even got a little conversation going between the five (yes, five) of us at the end of the interview. I'm praying and crossing my fingers that I get asked back for a second interview.
And that job would keep me so busy, there'd be no time to get bored!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
That will never be me
I think what it really boils down to is that I simply cannot fathom any guy wanting to spend time with me. Actually wanting to hold my hand or to cuddle on the couch or kiss me in public.
Other women? Sure! They'd love to be with them. They're confident and exercise and dress cute and they get pop culture references and know the rules of The Price Is Right. They can carry on theological and political conversations without sounding like a child and don't constantly invite people to do things out of fear that they'll miss out on something. They don't stand watching a band, holding a cup of ice water contemplating pouring it over themselves because that would be a visible indication of giving up trying anymore.
Of course the men want to be with the normal, self-confident, non-psychotic ones. But me? No, that's just laughable.
This is how I feel. I know that it's wrong, but knowing is different from feeling and in my gut, I feel completely unlikeable in a romantic way. It has been exactly 2 years since my last boyfriend broke my heart and 1 year and 6 months since I have been more than ready to move on, to start dating, to put my confidence back in the idea of romance and love. But as the months have ticked by and I've shifted my focus from one potential to the next and gotten absolutely nothing in return, all while watching others succeed, it, well, it wears you down. It doesn't make you feel good about yourself at all.
2 years. I told myself for a long time that God was just giving me time to recover and mature. I liked to say that he was "growing me." I liked that idea because in looking back at all of my previous relationships, most weren't especially mature and they weren't how I would want to live the rest of my life. I needed to grow into a confident and mature woman, capable of loving and being loved without being a psycho. That thought worked for a long time, but now I just don't know what to think.
For now, I just laugh at the songs where a guy is crazy about a girl, because that's obviously not a true story. And I don't so much look at the cutesy couples with envy, but more with bewilderment, wondering how on earth that could have happened. And what am I doing wrong?
Other women? Sure! They'd love to be with them. They're confident and exercise and dress cute and they get pop culture references and know the rules of The Price Is Right. They can carry on theological and political conversations without sounding like a child and don't constantly invite people to do things out of fear that they'll miss out on something. They don't stand watching a band, holding a cup of ice water contemplating pouring it over themselves because that would be a visible indication of giving up trying anymore.
Of course the men want to be with the normal, self-confident, non-psychotic ones. But me? No, that's just laughable.
This is how I feel. I know that it's wrong, but knowing is different from feeling and in my gut, I feel completely unlikeable in a romantic way. It has been exactly 2 years since my last boyfriend broke my heart and 1 year and 6 months since I have been more than ready to move on, to start dating, to put my confidence back in the idea of romance and love. But as the months have ticked by and I've shifted my focus from one potential to the next and gotten absolutely nothing in return, all while watching others succeed, it, well, it wears you down. It doesn't make you feel good about yourself at all.
2 years. I told myself for a long time that God was just giving me time to recover and mature. I liked to say that he was "growing me." I liked that idea because in looking back at all of my previous relationships, most weren't especially mature and they weren't how I would want to live the rest of my life. I needed to grow into a confident and mature woman, capable of loving and being loved without being a psycho. That thought worked for a long time, but now I just don't know what to think.
For now, I just laugh at the songs where a guy is crazy about a girl, because that's obviously not a true story. And I don't so much look at the cutesy couples with envy, but more with bewilderment, wondering how on earth that could have happened. And what am I doing wrong?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Celing fans
I was a good roommate today and called to get a ceiling fan installed in my roommate's bedroom. I have one and a lot of the other apartments here have them in both rooms, so I figured it couldn't hurt to ask. She was happy and wondered when it would be installed (not sure) and did I ask about getting our ancient a/c unit replaced? No, because I'm 99.9% sure the answer will be no. If I'm here when they install the fan, I'll ask. Otherwise, she can call.
See, my apartment complex is owned by the church across the street. They started buying up the condos about 10 years ago and renting them as apartments through a rental management company until all of them are bought (there's 23 left) and they can tear the place down for athletic fields or a parking lot or whatever else they feel is needed. The church is already ginormous, with buildings on both sides of the road and a brand new parking deck and student ministry building with a coffee shop. Oh, and it's my church :)
But anyway, what I'm getting at is that while the management company keeps the place livable, there's no denying these apartments are old. Built just after WWII from what I've heard. And knowing that they're just going to be torn down eventually, the church is very unlikely to fund things like replacing an a/c unit that was installed in 1972 (it says so right on the thing!) I get that. And as a result, I'm satisfied to suffer just a little bit and use fan and open windows.
Oh, and tonight? I came home and she was turning down the air. I was already in a pissy mood and pretty much snapped at her and said something very passive agressive about how I don't make a lot of money and she said she understood. Whatever. I fixed a bowl of cereal and came up to my room to sit in the dark in order to conserve energy.
And ate half a sleeve of Thin Mints. Now I just feel ill.
See, my apartment complex is owned by the church across the street. They started buying up the condos about 10 years ago and renting them as apartments through a rental management company until all of them are bought (there's 23 left) and they can tear the place down for athletic fields or a parking lot or whatever else they feel is needed. The church is already ginormous, with buildings on both sides of the road and a brand new parking deck and student ministry building with a coffee shop. Oh, and it's my church :)
But anyway, what I'm getting at is that while the management company keeps the place livable, there's no denying these apartments are old. Built just after WWII from what I've heard. And knowing that they're just going to be torn down eventually, the church is very unlikely to fund things like replacing an a/c unit that was installed in 1972 (it says so right on the thing!) I get that. And as a result, I'm satisfied to suffer just a little bit and use fan and open windows.
Oh, and tonight? I came home and she was turning down the air. I was already in a pissy mood and pretty much snapped at her and said something very passive agressive about how I don't make a lot of money and she said she understood. Whatever. I fixed a bowl of cereal and came up to my room to sit in the dark in order to conserve energy.
And ate half a sleeve of Thin Mints. Now I just feel ill.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
I'm happy to just open the windows and sleep nekkid
I miss living alone. My roommate is ok, we get along fine, but she's always there and always wants to talk and worst of all, we have very different thoughts regarding the thermostat. It's a good thing I'm a nice person and weak and don't stand up to her or we'd have some serious issues.
In my last 2 apartments, I don't think I turned on the air conditioning until July. Keep in mind that I live in the south where it gets miserably hot and humid in the summer and when those dog days hit, I'm more than happy to pump the cold air through. I've been fortunate enough to have a very well shaded apartment close to a river, so the air stayed a little cooler and I'd just open the windows and then the next one was basically a basement and didn't get very hot (But I learned that the humidity can cause a nasty mold problem if the air's not running. Oops.) I'd usually shut the windows early July and enjoy a couple months of AC.
But it's MARCH 8! We're in the middle of a warm spell and it got up to 77 today, so she comes home at 11:45pm and asks if we can turn the air on just a little bit. This is the same girl who wanted the heat on the second it dipped below 65 outside and complains of being cold all the time, as though it's my fault and I have some control over the weather or our antiquated heating and air system. She can't sleep when she's cold. But apparently she also gets really hot at night and so she needs the air on. Yeah, this is the same person.
She's going to be awful to be around come late April when it really does get warm and this apartment doesn't have good air flow, so it can become warm very quickly indoors. Me and my wallet prefer to suffer with the windows open and a ceiling fan, but she gets paid more than minimum wage and can afford to run that horrible, energy-sucking thing. Not sure how to handle this.
In my last 2 apartments, I don't think I turned on the air conditioning until July. Keep in mind that I live in the south where it gets miserably hot and humid in the summer and when those dog days hit, I'm more than happy to pump the cold air through. I've been fortunate enough to have a very well shaded apartment close to a river, so the air stayed a little cooler and I'd just open the windows and then the next one was basically a basement and didn't get very hot (But I learned that the humidity can cause a nasty mold problem if the air's not running. Oops.) I'd usually shut the windows early July and enjoy a couple months of AC.
But it's MARCH 8! We're in the middle of a warm spell and it got up to 77 today, so she comes home at 11:45pm and asks if we can turn the air on just a little bit. This is the same girl who wanted the heat on the second it dipped below 65 outside and complains of being cold all the time, as though it's my fault and I have some control over the weather or our antiquated heating and air system. She can't sleep when she's cold. But apparently she also gets really hot at night and so she needs the air on. Yeah, this is the same person.
She's going to be awful to be around come late April when it really does get warm and this apartment doesn't have good air flow, so it can become warm very quickly indoors. Me and my wallet prefer to suffer with the windows open and a ceiling fan, but she gets paid more than minimum wage and can afford to run that horrible, energy-sucking thing. Not sure how to handle this.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Revelation and Weirdness
Tonight was weird. And it helped me to have a revelation. Revelation first, then weirdness:
I keep saying I want a real relationship, something meaningful that grows over time that will last a life time, but when I really am honest with myself, I just want the physical part. I miss so desperately the physical part of a relationship - the hand on my back, the arms around waists, the intertwining fingers, the grazing fingertips on skin, the lips, the gaze, the touch. It's been 2 years since I had any of that and I need it so badly.
I quite honestly feel like I have an idea of what some of the kids I work with who have autism experience. Many of them crave that physical stimulation, the box of beads to bury their arms in or that vibrating toy that feels so good on their face. Some of them can only focus if I have a tight grip around them on my lap while we play on the computer. I wonder if there's ever been a study done on singles and the craving of physical stimulation.
So that's my revelation. If I could get away with a one-night stand or just making out with someone, I would. I even briefly considered running off to Vegas for a few days and pretending to be someone I'm not. But I think I just have to suffer. End of revelation.
The weirdness was as follows. Number one, I'm exhausted. I'm working too hard and not getting enough sleep. So I was going to call it a night tonight and stay home and sleep, but then I got word of a party in my complex and just took a nap before heading over. Great! Throw on a t-shirt and flip-flops and go hang out for a chill evening. Well, this party turned out to be drinking a beer, running home to change, going downtown for an overpriced meal, and going to part of a concert.
All this was me and 3 guys, two of whom I'd consider crushes, the other one I'm pretty sure had a crush on me a few months ago. I had a good time, dont' get me wrong, but it's making me see how different I am from college-me. I should have been ecstatic to be going out with these three guys, I should have had my A-game on, but the most I could do was dress a little attractively, drink beer, and talk about cheesy pick-up lines. My god, where have I gone? I'm annoyed with myself. I don't like myself. I feel totally socially inept and lame. I don't even remember how to flirt.
And that's when it hit me that I want to flirt not to get a date or hang out more, I want to flirt to get one of those 2 guys to go home with me or invite me in for a drink (it's plausible, we all live in the same complex) and make out on the couch.
There was much more weirdness, including letting down several girl friends by saying I wasn't going to the concert but then showing up with the boys and then leaving early, and realizing that I was in the bar where the last guy I had any form of intimacy with used to work, and realizing that I don't know how to carry on a conversation, and remembering blue glass, but I'm still processing it all.
And on that note, I'm going to sleep so that I can get up and work all day tomorrow. Shoot me now.
I keep saying I want a real relationship, something meaningful that grows over time that will last a life time, but when I really am honest with myself, I just want the physical part. I miss so desperately the physical part of a relationship - the hand on my back, the arms around waists, the intertwining fingers, the grazing fingertips on skin, the lips, the gaze, the touch. It's been 2 years since I had any of that and I need it so badly.
I quite honestly feel like I have an idea of what some of the kids I work with who have autism experience. Many of them crave that physical stimulation, the box of beads to bury their arms in or that vibrating toy that feels so good on their face. Some of them can only focus if I have a tight grip around them on my lap while we play on the computer. I wonder if there's ever been a study done on singles and the craving of physical stimulation.
So that's my revelation. If I could get away with a one-night stand or just making out with someone, I would. I even briefly considered running off to Vegas for a few days and pretending to be someone I'm not. But I think I just have to suffer. End of revelation.
The weirdness was as follows. Number one, I'm exhausted. I'm working too hard and not getting enough sleep. So I was going to call it a night tonight and stay home and sleep, but then I got word of a party in my complex and just took a nap before heading over. Great! Throw on a t-shirt and flip-flops and go hang out for a chill evening. Well, this party turned out to be drinking a beer, running home to change, going downtown for an overpriced meal, and going to part of a concert.
All this was me and 3 guys, two of whom I'd consider crushes, the other one I'm pretty sure had a crush on me a few months ago. I had a good time, dont' get me wrong, but it's making me see how different I am from college-me. I should have been ecstatic to be going out with these three guys, I should have had my A-game on, but the most I could do was dress a little attractively, drink beer, and talk about cheesy pick-up lines. My god, where have I gone? I'm annoyed with myself. I don't like myself. I feel totally socially inept and lame. I don't even remember how to flirt.
And that's when it hit me that I want to flirt not to get a date or hang out more, I want to flirt to get one of those 2 guys to go home with me or invite me in for a drink (it's plausible, we all live in the same complex) and make out on the couch.
There was much more weirdness, including letting down several girl friends by saying I wasn't going to the concert but then showing up with the boys and then leaving early, and realizing that I was in the bar where the last guy I had any form of intimacy with used to work, and realizing that I don't know how to carry on a conversation, and remembering blue glass, but I'm still processing it all.
And on that note, I'm going to sleep so that I can get up and work all day tomorrow. Shoot me now.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
VDay, 9:17pm, Pajamas
I wasn't going to do this. But here I am, 9:17 on Valentine's Day night, in my pajamas, sitting in the dark, torn between crying or congratulating myself. Crying because I'm letting this stupid day get to me, or rejoicing because I took the step last night of giving up hope and know I must move on. Crying because some dumb movie just told me not to give up hope but applauding myself for not staying and wallowing with other single girls in a bottle of wine because frankly I'm just tired and I'm tired of rehashing who likes who and who's the latest crush and how to get them and really who gives a fuck? I'm including myself in that statement. I'm over myself. Over the obsessing and the infatuation and the waiting and hoping and beating myself up. I'm sick and tired of it. It's not going to happen and I need to accept that. Last night, I came to the conclusion that I can still have adventure in my life, I just need to stop thinking that love is going to come along with it. I can be that cool old single lady with long silver hair who owns little and owes nothing and gives everything and sees everywhere. I'd need a dog. And lots of bracelets and long skirts and a beat up pickup truck.
___
PS - I just noticed people are actually reading my blog! I had no idea! You're even leaving comments. I apologize for neglecting you, dear readers, and will try to pay more attention to you from now on. :)
___
PS - I just noticed people are actually reading my blog! I had no idea! You're even leaving comments. I apologize for neglecting you, dear readers, and will try to pay more attention to you from now on. :)
Monday, February 9, 2009
Dreams
To dream that you are cuddling with someone, indicates your need for physical and/or emotional contact. Do not overlook the obvious meaning of this dream which suggests your heart's desire for that particular person. Also consider the symbolism of that person you are cuddling with and determine how you need to acknowledge, accept, and unify those qualities in yourself. (I like this one, btw, especially since I was cuddling with A and he wanted me there.)
To see or dream that you are on a couch, represents rest, relaxation, laziness or boredom. It may also mean you need to clear you mind and thoughts. Consider also who is on the couch with you as the dream may also have sexual connotations.
To dream that you are climbing a hill, signifies your struggles in achieving a goal. To dream that you are standing on top of a hill, signifies that you have succeeded in your endeavors or that you have now have the resources to complete a task at hand.
Intruder
To see an intruder in your dream, represents your feelings of guilt. Consider also what unfamiliar feelings or thoughts may be breaking into your peace of mind. Alternatively, an intruder symbolizes self-indulgent behavior or unwanted sexual attention.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I miss sex
You wanna know the worst part of having been completely and utterly single for the last 2 years? Not the simple fact that I'm single, no, I can deal with that. I have a lot of fun on my own and don't have to be with someone to be happy.
The worst part is knowing how long I've gone without sex. And how long I will continue to go without it since I've promised myself I won't have it again until I'm married. Considering that I haven't even been on an effing date in 2 years, it's going to be a looooong time before I get to experience that again.
I like sex. Really like it. I guess most people do, but remembering how much I enjoyed it seems to be magnified now that I know what I'm missing. Would I be better off if I didn't know? No, definitely not. But, it is a particularly painful form of torture to know exactly what I am missing and want it so desperately again.
It's just not fair!!
The worst part is knowing how long I've gone without sex. And how long I will continue to go without it since I've promised myself I won't have it again until I'm married. Considering that I haven't even been on an effing date in 2 years, it's going to be a looooong time before I get to experience that again.
I like sex. Really like it. I guess most people do, but remembering how much I enjoyed it seems to be magnified now that I know what I'm missing. Would I be better off if I didn't know? No, definitely not. But, it is a particularly painful form of torture to know exactly what I am missing and want it so desperately again.
It's just not fair!!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Girl with Silver Coat and Clementines
Girl with Silver Coat and Clementines
You look tired.
Is your bag heavy?
Your heels click down the sidewalk – bag in one hand, a box of clementines in the other;
Purse slung over your shoulder and worn out day old hair pulled back.
A smile appears on your face as you walk past my window.
A row of windows, with people reading inside, drinking coffee.
They might be watching.
They might be thinking.
They might even wonder.
Your smile says it’s ok, you don’t need help.
You’ve got it on your own.
A strong and independent woman
Walking proudly in nice heels
You look confident, you look nice.
You can carry groceries for one.
Groceries for you, carried by you.
Silver jacket, black shoes, smile, you’re fine.
But isn’t your bag heavy?
My first lame attempt at poetry in nearly 20 years.
You look tired.
Is your bag heavy?
Your heels click down the sidewalk – bag in one hand, a box of clementines in the other;
Purse slung over your shoulder and worn out day old hair pulled back.
A smile appears on your face as you walk past my window.
A row of windows, with people reading inside, drinking coffee.
They might be watching.
They might be thinking.
They might even wonder.
Your smile says it’s ok, you don’t need help.
You’ve got it on your own.
A strong and independent woman
Walking proudly in nice heels
You look confident, you look nice.
You can carry groceries for one.
Groceries for you, carried by you.
Silver jacket, black shoes, smile, you’re fine.
But isn’t your bag heavy?
My first lame attempt at poetry in nearly 20 years.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Rebuilding Burned Bridges
Last night I asked an old friend to come back into my life. Things didn't end well with this friend over three years ago, but I'd like to believe we have matured a bit and are capable of at least being aware of each other's lives, if not interacting every day. I've missed this person terribly. I think about them several times a week at least, just wondering how they are and if there's any hope of salvaging what was once a true friendship and even partnership.
Is that possible? At the ripe-old age of 29, is it conceivable that two people who haven't known each other since before entering the adult world can have a second chance? Can mend the wounds from harsh words and painful actions? Can find the joy and lightness and easiness that was once shared between two friends?
I've done all I know how to do. I wait with bated breath for the reply, but still have peace of mind that I've done my part. I'll let you know how it goes.
Is that possible? At the ripe-old age of 29, is it conceivable that two people who haven't known each other since before entering the adult world can have a second chance? Can mend the wounds from harsh words and painful actions? Can find the joy and lightness and easiness that was once shared between two friends?
I've done all I know how to do. I wait with bated breath for the reply, but still have peace of mind that I've done my part. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Waggly Fingers
I think I'm getting old. My knees and feet and ankles are killing me after a full day of work yesterday. I hear a pop every time I go down a stair and just ache when I go back up. They haven't been the same since a really long, fast hike about 7 years ago. Wah, I know. Someday I'll go see a doctor about this.
Speaking of Doctors, I found out, just in time, almost right as I walked in the door to work. Thank heavens for cell phones with internet! And for Twitter! What did I do before it?
And here he is, number Eleven:
Matt Smith. 26. Kinda funny looking (I know that's mean, but you were thinking it too). Weird hair. Young. Hmm, not sure how I feel about this. . . Those were my initial thoughts and I just wasn't pleased with the selection at all. But then I got home (after 8.5 hours on my feet selling sleeping bags and stoves) and watched the BBC's Doctor Who Confidential special (I have my ways) and found myself grinning ear to ear during his brief interview. He's crazy! Long, run-on sentences with abrupt pauses, wild hand gestures, waves his fingers in the air, completely bonkers! He's a bit younger than we were expecting, but I think I'm going to like him. And, even though I said he was a little funny looking, that could be a good quality for a character who is actually an alien. Besides, he does clean up well:
Mmm, glasses. Yeah, he'll do ;-) Remind you of anyone?
I have not seen or read Twilight, but like many people, I thought this Matt guy looks a bit like some of the characters I've seen pictures of. And I immediately began to speculate that they're trying to reach a similar audience that Twilight has been so wildly popular with. I mean, he's got that look AND he's young, so the teenage girls are going to swoon, while us 20-somethings will appreciate his, um, charm. Now, I'm not sure how the 50-year old males are included in this picture, but I'm sure it works out some way.
Ok, that should be the last of my Doctor Who posts for a while. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about anyway :)
In other news, I ran out of cereal 2 days ago and have had to eat toast for breakfast! The horror!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Learning to Count to Eleven
Well, I posted it on the other blog and was told it was: "interesting" by my parents, "depressing" by one friend, and "wonderful to read" by another friend. I don't know what kind of reaction I was hoping for, probably nothing really, but whatever. It's out there and now it's 2009!
And speaking of new things, the Eleventh Doctor for Doctor Who will be announced today! In the UK. At about the time I have to leave for work. In the US. My plan is to hit refresh on several sites I've pulled up for the occasion as I'm walking out the door in hopes that I won't have to spend the next 8 hours in agonizing curiosity. I don't consider myself a hardcore obsessive fan, but I definitely enjoy it and try to keep up with the big news and well, this is BIG! (Maybe I'll get a British customer and we can talk Doctor Who. Unlikely.)
Ugh. I can't believe this weird holiday schedule bliss is almost over. Hardly any work the last few weeks and now I have to work on a Saturday?! Not fair.
And now, since I've enjoyed Ten so much and will miss him terribly . . .
And speaking of new things, the Eleventh Doctor for Doctor Who will be announced today! In the UK. At about the time I have to leave for work. In the US. My plan is to hit refresh on several sites I've pulled up for the occasion as I'm walking out the door in hopes that I won't have to spend the next 8 hours in agonizing curiosity. I don't consider myself a hardcore obsessive fan, but I definitely enjoy it and try to keep up with the big news and well, this is BIG! (Maybe I'll get a British customer and we can talk Doctor Who. Unlikely.)
Ugh. I can't believe this weird holiday schedule bliss is almost over. Hardly any work the last few weeks and now I have to work on a Saturday?! Not fair.
And now, since I've enjoyed Ten so much and will miss him terribly . . .
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