Revelation and Weirdness

Tonight was weird. And it helped me to have a revelation. Revelation first, then weirdness:

I keep saying I want a real relationship, something meaningful that grows over time that will last a life time, but when I really am honest with myself, I just want the physical part. I miss so desperately the physical part of a relationship - the hand on my back, the arms around waists, the intertwining fingers, the grazing fingertips on skin, the lips, the gaze, the touch. It's been 2 years since I had any of that and I need it so badly.

I quite honestly feel like I have an idea of what some of the kids I work with who have autism experience. Many of them crave that physical stimulation, the box of beads to bury their arms in or that vibrating toy that feels so good on their face. Some of them can only focus if I have a tight grip around them on my lap while we play on the computer. I wonder if there's ever been a study done on singles and the craving of physical stimulation.

So that's my revelation. If I could get away with a one-night stand or just making out with someone, I would. I even briefly considered running off to Vegas for a few days and pretending to be someone I'm not. But I think I just have to suffer. End of revelation.

The weirdness was as follows. Number one, I'm exhausted. I'm working too hard and not getting enough sleep. So I was going to call it a night tonight and stay home and sleep, but then I got word of a party in my complex and just took a nap before heading over. Great! Throw on a t-shirt and flip-flops and go hang out for a chill evening. Well, this party turned out to be drinking a beer, running home to change, going downtown for an overpriced meal, and going to part of a concert.

All this was me and 3 guys, two of whom I'd consider crushes, the other one I'm pretty sure had a crush on me a few months ago. I had a good time, dont' get me wrong, but it's making me see how different I am from college-me. I should have been ecstatic to be going out with these three guys, I should have had my A-game on, but the most I could do was dress a little attractively, drink beer, and talk about cheesy pick-up lines. My god, where have I gone? I'm annoyed with myself. I don't like myself. I feel totally socially inept and lame. I don't even remember how to flirt.

And that's when it hit me that I want to flirt not to get a date or hang out more, I want to flirt to get one of those 2 guys to go home with me or invite me in for a drink (it's plausible, we all live in the same complex) and make out on the couch.

There was much more weirdness, including letting down several girl friends by saying I wasn't going to the concert but then showing up with the boys and then leaving early, and realizing that I was in the bar where the last guy I had any form of intimacy with used to work, and realizing that I don't know how to carry on a conversation, and remembering blue glass, but I'm still processing it all.

And on that note, I'm going to sleep so that I can get up and work all day tomorrow. Shoot me now.