That will never be me

I think what it really boils down to is that I simply cannot fathom any guy wanting to spend time with me. Actually wanting to hold my hand or to cuddle on the couch or kiss me in public.

Other women? Sure! They'd love to be with them. They're confident and exercise and dress cute and they get pop culture references and know the rules of The Price Is Right. They can carry on theological and political conversations without sounding like a child and don't constantly invite people to do things out of fear that they'll miss out on something. They don't stand watching a band, holding a cup of ice water contemplating pouring it over themselves because that would be a visible indication of giving up trying anymore.

Of course the men want to be with the normal, self-confident, non-psychotic ones. But me? No, that's just laughable.

This is how I feel. I know that it's wrong, but knowing is different from feeling and in my gut, I feel completely unlikeable in a romantic way. It has been exactly 2 years since my last boyfriend broke my heart and 1 year and 6 months since I have been more than ready to move on, to start dating, to put my confidence back in the idea of romance and love. But as the months have ticked by and I've shifted my focus from one potential to the next and gotten absolutely nothing in return, all while watching others succeed, it, well, it wears you down. It doesn't make you feel good about yourself at all.

2 years. I told myself for a long time that God was just giving me time to recover and mature. I liked to say that he was "growing me." I liked that idea because in looking back at all of my previous relationships, most weren't especially mature and they weren't how I would want to live the rest of my life. I needed to grow into a confident and mature woman, capable of loving and being loved without being a psycho. That thought worked for a long time, but now I just don't know what to think.

For now, I just laugh at the songs where a guy is crazy about a girl, because that's obviously not a true story. And I don't so much look at the cutesy couples with envy, but more with bewilderment, wondering how on earth that could have happened. And what am I doing wrong?